To My Depressed Son

Dad, I’m so depressed. I don’t know what to do.

I love you more than you can imagine. In my eyes, you are absolutely perfect. I know you are dealing with some really hard feelings right now and I want you to know that I am now and will always be there for you.

It seems like it’s all a waste. It seems like it’s all pointless, unfair and for nothing. I know how you feel because, when I was your age, I felt the same way. I felt like nobody understands, nobody cares, like my life was worthless and pointless and nobody loved me. I remember coming home from school every day racking my brain to figure out what was the best way to end it all. Every single day. Then I’d find some escape in TV or a magazine or something, finally go to bed crying and trying desperately not to fall asleep because I knew falling asleep meant waking up and waking up meant going to school…

It was the most miserable time I can ever remember in my life. And it seemed like it was all for nothing. But right now, as I look back on it, I can see that, in some very small way, that experience helped me to understand what you are going through right now. And I think it helped me to understand what you are going through just a little bit better. And while I might be wrong, I might not really understand, even if my experience helps you in just the smallest way, it’s all worth it. Not only is it worth it, but I would repeat that horrible experience 1000 times just to be able to be there for you.

So, here’s my commitment to you:

First of all, I’ll always be there for you. I love you 100% unconditionally and nothing you ever do, say, etc will ever change that. NO matter how bad it gets you’ll always know that ONE person love you no matter what. And the fact that Im’ your dad doesn’t make it “not count”. It makes it count more, because I know everything about you. Your darkest secrets, your strong points, your weaknesses — everything. And when you add it all up, I still love the shit out of you.

2) You will always come first in my life. I’ll always be there to help you, to talk, or whatever you need. You will always have someone to talk to and will never need to feel alone.

3) I will always do what I believe is best for you. You will not always agree and I will not always get it right. Sometimes, you might want to lay in bed and I will make you get up and eat dinner. You might not want to go to a school function, but I’ll drag you there. No matter how much you hate what I’m doing, always know that I’m doing it because I think it’s best for you even though it might not make you happy in the moment.

Also know that I’m not, and ever will know everything. In fact, the older I get the more I realize how little I know. So, I will make mistakes. I’ll screw up and I’ll do the wrong thing. And I know you’ll understand and forgive me. It’s happened before… many times…

See, this is part of a beautiful cycle. You have to go through this experience so you can there to help others. It’s part of your purpose. It’s part of your journey, it’s part of making humanity better. You have to go through this to gain perspective, ideas and compassion so you can help others. You will help other people in some way and you don’t know what that is, but we do know that it’s part of your purpose.

People will tell you to, “snap out of it”, “get better”, “be thankful”, etc. and I know that’s like telling you to flap your arms and fly across town. It just doesn’t work that way. They care and they are doing their best, but they just don’t understand. Try to be understanding of them, even if they can’t do that for you.

I’ll never judge you. I’ll never tell you that you are good, bad, right or wrong for anything you do, think, say or believe. No matter what it is. I’ll never judge you. Give yourself that same privilege. Never judge yourself. There never has been anything wrong with you and there never will be.

I ask absolutely nothing in return, because this is not a selfless act, it is a selfish one. Being there for you is the thing I want more than anything else in the world and I appreciate you for allowing me to do it.

Please do this one thing for yourself. Or if it’s easier, do it for me. Or do it for anyone or anything that matters.

Love yourself.

It is the best thing you can ever do for…. You and anyone else.

I’d like to close this with by saying, “I love you”, but those English words are woefully inadequate to express how I truly feel. So, I’ll just reiterate… Love yourself.

Photo by Soragrit Wongsa on Unsplash